Flying friendlier skies: the nude option

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A new way to speed the line

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My Washington contacts in the Obama Administration indicate that when it comes to your flying safety and convenience, current brainstorming is definitely "outside of the box."

The "roll out date" is uncertain -- given the political delicacies involved.

However, the promotion code for the new policy is already set: "LCMS" for "less clothes; more security."

Here is the current thinking:

Fliers will be given a choice.

Those who choose the "nude option" will, after disrobing, be scooted through security at a breathless pace.

They will quickly take their places on plane seats where they will be covered only by transparent "blankets."

This will allow crew and other passengers to maintain constant surveillance for anything suspicious in bare passenger behavior.

At the first sign of suspicious action both passengers and crew will be positioned for an instinctual preemptive lunge.

All those choosing the nudist option will be required to sign a good behavior pledge assuring that prudent -- not prurient -- surveillance of other passengers will be motivated purely by security concerns.

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Those of a more prudish, less nudist nature will suffer the consequences.

Far more waiting, far more delay.

Those who reject the nude option will face an exercise in "behavior modification" -- an alternative to the "nudist track." See below:

An alternative to the "nude track"

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Thorough, full body pat downs by security personnel in hopes that more and more of the folks who find this disconcerting will be induced to choose the less touchy-feely option: a quick dash through security in the nude.

Those who enjoy the full body pat down may, of course, suffer a more pleasant flying experience.

Administration officials are aware this could all backfire -- if too many travelers find this security massage so relaxing that many, many choose the slower pat down option over the faster full nude flight mode.

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Checking with care

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A "flier in the ointment" is how to handle the crucial lavatory challenge.

How to prevent these largely unsupervised solitary episodes from becoming nightmare havens for inflammatory action by would be saboteurs.

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Portable potties in history

One option, still in the "brainstorming phase," is to replace passenger lavatory visits with traveling portable potties rolled down the aisles by "hospitality workers" summoned on passenger demand.

This bares thinking.